Do you ever feel so much that you can’t decide how you are feeling? That happens to me so much. I feel overwhelmed but at the same time that isn’t even the right work to describe how i’m feeling.. I’m Happy because my friend Veronica just had her baby, at the same time i am feeling nostalgic just from other things going on. I am overjoyed and ecstatic, however, i’m hurt.
I have been out of work since June. I am a well spoken individual, i am capable and i have professional experience in a variety of different fields. Not to mention i am a fast and efficient learner. I have had a job since i was 16, i have not been without a job since my sophomore year in high school when i got my first job. Now i have no job and i feel useless, but i now have the time to go to school finish up and get my bachelors. I have been feeling defeated and worthless. But at the same time i am so overwhelmed that those feelings get pushed aside.
I have always been a driven person, i’m naturally a go-getter. But i have been filled with so many different emotions that i cannot get myself to do what needs to be done. Is it possible to be disappointed with yourself yet content at the same time? that is how i feel and it’s been this way for a long time. Have you ever felt empty? You look around and you just aren’t sure if you are content with what you see? If so, then welcome to my life. It’s not fun when you feel like everything is working against you to make it look like you are failing and discourage you from even trying.
Ever feel heart broken but not exactly know why? I find myself in tears late at night feeling like my heart has been ripped out of my chest. Sometimes i feel like my dreams are dying and i am the one killing them unintentionally. Then there is the excruciating pain of just knowing that i am no where near where i should be. I had so many aspirations and so much ambition, what happened?
I wonder if my pride is keeping me from getting down and dirty to get what i want. But how do you know where the bottom is when you have always started near the top? I want so much in life, but i feel less than ordinary and like i’ll never get to where i’ve always wanted to go. I don’t want to wait around and hear about all the potential i had. I want to make use of it and be someone of influence and importance.
I keep saying that 2010 is my year, so i am going to take each day and be the person i know that i was meant to be. It’s going to be a long and hard road but if i don’t motivate myself, who is going to motivate me? I’ve never really had friends or a social life because i was busy going somewhere. I guess it’s time to get myself together and move on from this break.
I want a relationship in 2010, but if i don’t have someone that will be next to me and pushing me to be better and do what i said i would, then i’d rather be alone now and happy in the long run. I’m walking on eggshells with all of this because i don’t want to fall into a depression again. I’m scared to go back to that, so i keep asking myself, Can i do this? Will i make it through this?
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I have to say that even though we have only known each other a few months, you have impacted my life in such a marvelous way. You have a way with words, I’ve told you before, of expressing so much, that I myself experience and cannot put into words. It’s a gift, don’t dismiss or ignore that.
I can relate to your mixed emotions, though I’m sure they’re caused by completely different circumstances, the feelings are extremely similar. I have been in that lately, and its not easy to see the other side when its you…but when its someone else, its always easier to move past that and see where they can go. And I see you doing great things. Yes, you’re right, you do have so much potential. And I think it is important to recognize that you’re already conscious of that fact and the fact that you have to move forward to make things happen. We can’t just sit by and expect things to fall in our laps, because life doesn’t work that way, and its HUGE that you see that. Many people don’t. So see that as a step forward already. I see you doing great things this year, because you are already getting your mindset to that. That’s already halfway.
Don’t be too hard on yourself, too. Take this time that you are not committed to a workplace and explore more of your interests. Create, sing, explore, dream… you have the time right now.
And with all this rambling, I’ll leave you with this, You are wonderful and your presence in this world is needed, not always in the way you may think, so never underestimate the effect you have on people, and, I believe you are exactly where you need to be in life, just make sure to make everyday the best you can and learn as much as you can from it…
Mucho love for you..:)
